If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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