I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
