My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
