I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
