I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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