Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
