If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
