So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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