I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
