I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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