Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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