I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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