Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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