You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
