I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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