Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Hippo gnu deer
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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