Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
