hotel room ftw
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Randomize
