I just cut my nipple shaving
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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