This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
