im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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