they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
