i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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