His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
