We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
