My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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