I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
