My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
