she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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