Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We just shotgunned beers for America
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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