dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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