Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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