I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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