It's like a parade of train wrecks.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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