i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
