I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
