i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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