Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
