He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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