I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
