Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
