Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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