Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
