Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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