Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
