Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
