mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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