Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
