There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
