it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
