The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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