time to smoke my breakfast
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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