Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
