dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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