So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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