Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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