if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm too high and old for this...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
