I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
