I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
