life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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